DiettaGirl

Sometimes its fun to just talk to other moms about our kids or whatever is going on with our family life.  Several months ago I joined a social networking site that was created just for moms.  I must confess however, at first I did not really appreciate how cool it was to be on the site so I did not visit very often and I only had one friend. :( But then I went back when I had a specific question I wanted to ask a group of moms.  The response I received was awesome and therefore I started to appreciate this site a whole lot more.  There are so many groups, it seems like there is a group for every topic or issue you could ever imagine.  If not, you can create your own.  I have had fun meeting moms from far away cities and cities near by.  Cafemom is a unique and exciting network for women who are moms, or want to be moms. Check out this site today by clicking the link below.  Look me up under deestew and add me as your first friend! I would love to have you.

The loss of one of my friends  this year shook me in a way I was not expecting.  She was so young really, only 51.  And the fact that I spoke with her actually on Facebook days before she died took me off my balance some.  We chatted about things that we would normally had chatted about.  Tried not to really talk about her illness.  I am so glad we had that one "normal" moment before she was gone.  But what I learned from this is that life is so very short.  And it is not guaranteed past the breath we are breathing right now.  Therefore, I don't want to keep wasting the days I have been given trying to achieve dreams or goals that really aren't mine.  Maybe they are things that society has said I must achieve to be counted as a smart person or a successful person or a person who has arrived.  Maybe.  I don't know.  All I know is that in my heart I love to write.  It's what I do regardless of the reason.  I practically have a library of journals where I have collected my thoughts.  These journals have been my friends.  They have listened to me and they have not judged me.  They have helped me vent and helped me sort out my thoughts.  They have helped me plan and brainstorm.  So that is what I want to do with the life that I still have--write.  Perhaps I'll be famous. Perhaps I won't.  But what I will be is at peace with myself and my purpose. That is all I want. 

The other day I started thinking.  Many times this very act can be dangerous!  But this time I started to think about the fact that this year is almost over.  So many things have happened in this year.  It always amazes me how much life can truly be lived in 12 short months. 

Usually, I take this time to re-evaluate.  I like to journal and it is at this time I usually go back through my journals for the year and read what crazy things I got into in the past year.  This time however, when I started to do this I remembered that the upcoming year was going to be a milestone for me if God allows me to see it.  I am approaching my 40th Birthday.  So my end of the year evaluation has taken on a different light.  This time I dug a little deeper and started to look at all the corners of my life.  I wanted to be honest with myself and I wanted to see myself as I really am.  I begin to realize that I have spent alot of my life walking backwards. 

Yes, it's crazy I know.  Maybe even a little confusing but it's true.  I think there is even a book with a title something like that, "walking backwards in high heels" or something like that.  Anyway, what I mean by saying this is that I have spent a big portion of my life moving forward with my back toward the future and my face staring at the past.  Always trying to "catch up." Always trying to make up for what I did not do when I was younger.  Or what I did not become. Or trying to fix the mistakes I made back then and even the ones I continue to make. 

Finally, I saw how exhausting and depriving this way of living really is.  I mean when would I finally reach a place of peace with who I was and what I had accomplished regardless of how much or how little it was? A place when I say, yes here I am.  Yes I am enough?  I think there is a fear that comes when we come face to face with that word--enough.  It seems so final and it seems like life is over.  But something I learned once and forgot is that when we come to that place of saying we are enough, and we accept ourselves completely there in that place, that is the place where we can begin to truly change and transform into more.  It doesn't make sense I know but its true.  I guess because when we accept ourselves we free ourselves to become real and in that place of realness and authenticity we flourish. 

So my challenge, and really it is a challenge, as I approach my 40th year on this earth is to stop walking backwards.  To start instead to turn around and face my life head on.  Letting go of the things in my past I can not ever change. 

And embracing the only thing I really have the power to do anything about...the moment.  All we really have is the moment that we are in right now.  And I think it is that moment that we have to work hard to make count.